WARSHINGTON, Dufus Central (D.C. for short) — According to a new report out today, the gaseous emissions from large herbivorous dinosaurs greatly aided to the warming climate over 100 million years ago. On the heels of this new report a panel of environmental scientists and clothing designers have been commissioned by former Vice President Al Gore to investigate ways to limit human emissions from poisoning our atmosphere.
The report cites an already warm climate rich with CO2 and methane gases possibly due to high levels of volcanic activity. This was at a time in our planet’s history in which there were no ice caps on the poles, and many of the continents were covered in lush greenery.
The Gore Green Fashion panel has spent countless hours since the report was released, looking into the relationships between the gaseous emissions of all the humans on the planet and this thing, which Al Gore discovered while inventing the internet, called “Global Warming”.
In the studies done thus far, it is determined that Gore’s gaseous emissions stem from both the rectal area and the oral cavity, and the amount of hot gas emitting from those areas are equal to each other in volume. The amount of hot air/gasses emitted from Gore was strikingly similar to those of the pre-historic sauropods. Panel member Frank Lautenberg (D-New Jersey), current U.S. Senator and former Automatic Data Processing (NASDAQ: ADP) President and CEO, confirmed this observation citing both his former company’s stringent data processing abilities and the fact that he witnessed the gaseous emissions from both the dinosaurs and Gore.
American Apparel owner, Dov Charney, was on the panel adding for a brief few hours, but was removed after making an inappropriate joke about Gore’s wife that included the phrase, “just Tipper.” Charney had provided some promising early designs that incorporated an inverted style of gas mask that would adorn the rear of a pair of skinny jeans.
The panel remains in deep study and conversation and it is expected more new technological advances will be emerging from the meeting within the next few days. Rumors were already flying that a patent was in the works to capture all the gases released by employees in a building and utilize them as a renewable energy source, biogas, to power said building.
Some lawmakers will be joining the panel as well in the coming days to review the research. In a swing of irony, some of the most prolific hot air producers in congress have already been hard at work penning legislation that would limit the amount of unfiltered and non-contained (for use in renewable energy) gas a person could release into the atmosphere. Members of the FDA have also been contacted to perform research on creating foods that create less gas, and drugs to limit gaseous expulsions.
We here at Columbus Conservative hope these proceedings drag on a few more days, as we recently sampled the new Crunchy Jalapeno Steakburger at Steak ‘n Shake last night for dinner, and had Chipotle for lunch… In the same day. Needless to say, I don’t think we would be able to conform to the new rules if implemented quickly.
As a side note, the Obama administration is already quickly forming and staffing a new government agency to police this new legislation once it is put into place. The name being tossed around early is the Federal Anally Released gases Team, or FART for short. The White House says they will monitor the gaseous emissions that are emitted orally. Not a surprising move, as the hot air they release is likely the true cause of this “global warming”.
We will continue to monitor this council and keep you updated to any new developments that may squeak out, no matter how much they may stink.
(Information from the Associated Press may or may not have been used in the writing of this satirical report)